April 2, 2008

Smackdown!

Coming soon! A grudge match 45 years in the making! The Ultimate Smackdown: Military School Rematch! In this corner, mild-mannered bespectacled James "Keeper" Hanna. In the other corner, barrel-chested billionaire World Wrestling Entertainment Chairman Vince McMahon. Who will be victorious?

What seems an unlikely pairing wasn't always so. My husband and Vince McMahon were on the same wrestling team in high school. Mr. McMahon, then known as "Flex," wrestled in the 180-pound class at Fishburne Military Academy in Virginia. James "Spider" Hanna was in the 165-pound class. One day during practice, the coach had them scrimmage. Keeper/Spider pinned the future wrestling mogul in the first period with a reverse cradle move.

Now, I'm not much of a sports fan, but even I can relate to this feat. It's like if Dave Barry had attended Logansport High School with me and I had beat him in a humor-writing contest in 10th grade. I'd be proud of the fact that I once beat a world-class humorist, but I wouldn't challenge him to a rematch.

Keeper is not so reticent. As you read this, a letter is speeding its way to Stamford, Connecticut, where Mr. McMahon runs his multi-billion dollar sports entertainment empire. McMahon may not be intimidated by much, but we'll see if the memory of being taken down by the undefeated wrestling champion of Fishburne Military Academy strikes fear in his heart.

Keeper has kept himself in great shape. He can run 4 miles without even breathing hard. He can lift a 40-pound recycling bin without breaking a sweat. He gives much-younger men a run for their money on the tennis court, as long as he remembers to tape his knees first.

But issuing a challenge to a 240-pound professional athlete who has been on the cover of Muscle and Fitness magazine?

Not on my watch.

I tried to ease him down gently.

"How many times did you wrestle McMahon?" I asked.

"Just once," he said. "It took the swagger out of him. In 1964 I went undefeated all season!" I had heard this story a few hundred times before, and I headed him off before he could describe every point scored at the Hargrave Invitational.

"And how old were you?" I inquired.

"Seventeen."

"And how old are you now?"

"Uh, sixty-two. But I'm in good shape."

"He'd snap you in two like a twig," I protested.

He refused to acknowledge that age would affect his wrestling moves, so I took another tack. I showed him a video clip of Vince McMahon doing his thing.

"Ha!" Keeper said, "He used to do that same strut all over the quadrangle!" He laughed at how McMahon had developed his persona into a legendary character.

"I can't wait to take him on!"

As the video of McMahon "wrestling" Donald Trump played on, I asked him one more time.

"What if Vince invited you to a rematch on Wrestlemania? Would you do it?"

"Nah," he said. "That's show business. It's not real wrestling."

Then he showed me the move that took down Vincent "Flex" McMahon that day in 1964.

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