March 26, 2008

Armed and Ready

Are you tired of running to the closet for your shotgun every time you hear a noise at night? Are you afraid that the next home invasion you experience will find you fumbling under the bed for your weapon? Well, information about a new product that might interest you crossed my desk this week. It's a handy-dandy shotgun rack for your bed.

That's right. Now you can keep your shotgun within reach and scare the daylights out of those pesky intruders.

This patented gun rack, called the Back-Up Shotgun Racking System, slips between your mattress and box spring and holds your shotgun to the side of the bed. Don't worry! Your bedspread will cover it during the daytime and no one will be the wiser!

The name is a little confusing. Is it referring to the fact that aiming a shotgun at someone's face is a great way to say "back up!" or does it mean that the product holds your back-up gun, as opposed to your main gun, which, presumably, is a 9mm Glock you keep under the pillow?

If you'd like to visit the web site for this device, be prepared to be assaulted with patriotism. The top banner is a montage of family (a white couple with 2.5 children), a lovely home worth protecting, and of course, an American flag.

It is the right of every American, after all, to own a gun. Just ask E.D. Hill, the host of a Fox News program who interviewed Home Back-Up Protection president John Peters. Hill referred to her own mother as a "pistol-packin' mama" and, in introducing Peters, said that "a shotgun is safer than a gun."

To be charitable, Ms. Hill undoubtedly meant that a shotgun is safer than a handgun, but it sounded like she was saying a shotgun is not even a gun, which would no doubt surprise all the people who've been shot with one.

Mr. Peters, whose company sells the Back-Up Rack, agreed with his interviewer. With a handgun, "a bullet can go through a wall," perhaps injuring innocent people. The shotgun, his preferred weapon for home protection, has a "spread pattern" which is less likely to penetrate walls and kill your family members or pets. Unless you are aiming for them, of course. Mr. Peters recommends #4 buckshot.

When asked how business was going, Peters remarked, "Sales are brisk."

At the end of the segment, the blond interviewer's male co-host called the device "a remote that can kill." Cue commercial.

Is anyone else disturbed by the thought of going to bed every night with a loaded weapon within reach?

Think about it. An abrupt awakening form a nightmare could cause your spouse to pull the shotgun on you. Your child could knock against it and set it off while chasing a ball. Your dog could be trying to jump on the bed and …BLAM! Accidents do happen.

I won't be buying the Back-Up Rack for my husband, and neither will Mrs. Dick Cheney. I'm just guessing.

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