March 7, 2008

Everybody's Got Rights

The government, in my humble opinion, should be in the business of protecting the rights of the downtrodden and disenfranchised, ensuring that everyone has the chance to go for the good old American Dream. Sometimes, though, the Feds go too far. For one government-protected group, the American Dream is to be able to attack at will, eat anything they please, and vomit it up on people's cars.

This group, by law, can't be hurt, killed, mistreated, pursued, or even annoyed by you, me, or anyone in the town of Bartow, Florida. Bartow has been invaded by hundred, even thousands, of these revolting, bad-mannered intruders. No, it's not a Hell's Angels convention. It's a bunch of buzzards.

That's right. This small Florida town is the new home for a huge flock of cathartes aura, or the common turkey vulture. Now, vultures (or buzzards, if you prefer) serve a purpose. They are carrion eaters, which means they feast on dead, bloated things that have met an unfortunate end trying to cross the road in front of a semi. I'm all for getting rid of road kill. I'm sure not going to get out there with a shovel, so I'm glad that Mother Nature has provided a recycling system. I question why she had to make them so gosh-darn ugly, but maybe if they were pretty they would get a better gig, like being hand-fed by old ladies with bags of stale bread. Then who would take care of all the flattened raccoons?

Unfortunately for them, buzzards are not nearly as attractive as pigeons, which have themselves been called flying rats, so that's saying a lot. Buzzards are hideous, they have nasty habits, and they vomit a lot (well, wouldn't YOU?) and there's not a thing you can do if they decided to roost in your trees.

Residents of Bartow are helpless to stop the invaders from eating the shingles off their roofs, pecking bits of rubber off their tires, and making large stinky deposits all over everything. Federal law, in the form of the Migratory Bird Treaty Act, prohibits people from harming these creatures in any way, including "annoying" them.

It leaves me to wonder-how exactly would you annoy a buzzard? Tell him his ugly mug could stop traffic? Dangle a dead skunk in front of him and then snatch it away? Make him watch Jerry Springer?

Back before the government got so protective of our feathered friends, my Dad used to chase the birds away by banging two boards together. The noise sounded just like a rifle shot, and the crows would scatter for 10 minutes or so before coming back to crap on the Cadillac once again.

The good people of Bartow are doing what they can, but in addition to the federal regulations, they are further hamstrung by a local bird sanctuary ordinance. They are desperate to stop the invasion. Some have been turning on sprinklers in a vain attempt to shoo the pests. I guess If they're caught, they can say, "Annoying the birds? Gosh, no, officer. I was just watering the swamp."