February 29, 2008

What's British for "Yuck"?

I woke up this morning with an uncontrollable urge to hoover my mattress and scour my loo with biological washing powder. I blame the five episodes of "How Clean Is Your House?" I watched last night.

This BBC America show stars Kim Woodburn, the Queen of Clean, and Aggie MacKenzie, the Dirt Detective, two ladies of a certain age whose mission is to clean up Britain. They fearlessly enter homes of "filth offenders" who haven't cleaned or even emptied an ashtray for 20 years. Dressed to the nines, they gingerly step over piles of rubbish and run their manicured nails along greasy, moldy, fly-encrusted surfaces. Kim, a formidable woman with a severe hair style, is not afraid to take a good whiff of whatever they encounter, and the faces she makes are priceless.

The show always beings with scary music and close-ups of muck. As soon as Keeper hears the first dramatic chords, he makes a run for it. The first time he caught a glimpse of the show, it stopped him in his tracks. "Yuck!" was his concise review, before retreating to his den.

The producers find families who live in utter squalor. I mean, these houses are not merely untidy. Clutter is a factor, but the real problem is the filth. I'm talking blowfly and maggot filthy. One woman let her pet birds fly loose all over her house, with predictable results. Another had left food in a non-working freezer for years and had to have it sealed and removed by a hazmat team.

The show follows a strict formula. After Kim and Aggie have a look around the dump, the homeowners arrive and are given a stern lecture. Then Kim changes into her whites ala Superman and Aggie dons a lab coat to begin her analysis. They seal off the house with yellow tape. It has "grime investigation" printed on it. While Kim teaches the perpetrators how to clean ("Put some elbow grease into it, Lovey!") Aggie takes swabs from around the house and sends them to the lab.

The ladies promote the use of natural cleaners: white vinegar, baking soda, lemons, and good old hot water. Of course, they don't do all the cleaning themselves. They have a crew, including one gentleman who is in charge of cleaning carpets soaked with cat urine and upholstery greasy with body oils. He uses the hot water extraction method and manages to salvage furnishings which should rightfully be sent to the local "tip" (British for dump).

Speaking of British terms, I knew that "hoover" means vacuum and a "loo" is a toilet. it took me a few episodes to realize that "washing-up liquid" is the same as our dishwashing liquid and "biological powder" is laundry detergent with enzymes. I still haven't figured out what "sugar soap" is.

When the lab results are in, Aggie sits the dirty buggers down and scares the bejeebers out of them with greatly enlarged photos of the dust mites, bacteria and fungi that are living in their house. She informs them that their health is in danger. It usually scares them straight, especially those with kids. It seems to be news to these people that it's unhealthy to have mold on their walls and mouse poo on their dishes.

I love this show for two reasons. First, the ladies are quite funny. Kim flirts outrageously, wears rubber gloves adorned with feathers and jewels, and is downright gleeful about grimefighting.

Second, it makes me feel positively virtuous. I might have dust on my furniture, but you'll never catch typhoid from my loo.