January 18, 2008

Inappropriateness

Everyone has their own definition of what is inappropriate. I have trouble verbalizing it, but I know it when I see it.

For example, it is always inappropriate to ask a stranger when her baby is due. For all you know, the bulge under her clothes may be 25 pounds of belly fat, or perhaps a designer bag that she's shoplifting. In any case, it's none of your business unless you are a security guard.

Speaking of belly fat, if you work in fast food, don't ask a customer ordering a bucket of chicken, "Is that for here or to go?" It's inappropriate.

I encounter inappropriate behavior all the time. On a recent walk with Corky the French Bulldog, we passed a woman walking the opposite direction with a black dog the size of a large goat. He was straining at his leash and snarling at the sight of my little four-legged Scooby Snack. His owner asked me, "Can we walk beside you? Is that OK?"

I looked down at Corky, who has yelping with the bravado that only small dogs can muster. (Lemme at 'em! Lemme at 'em!) "Sorry, other dogs make her nervous," I replied, pulling Corky down the street by her little pink collar.

In case you missed it, if you are the owner of a massive, snarling beast of a dog, don't try to arrange a play date with a 20-pound lap dog. It is inappropriate.

Sometimes I feel compelled to point out inappropriate behavior to the perpetrators, such as people who cut in front of me in line. I say something like, "Excuse me, I believe I was here first," which is Midwestern for "Back off, Bozo! It's MY turn!"

I like to play the role of Behavior Cop. It fulfills my need to be bossy. The other day, however, someone tried to make a citizen's arrest on ME.

I had met a friend in a fast food joint where we could talk for hours over a 99 cent drink with free refills. He wanted to learn about American humor, which is hard for him, as a Korean, to understand. I had assigned him a past column of mine to read and we were going over it in detail. I had to explain numerous references to popular American culture. For instance, I had to describe Martha Stewart and why she went to jail, and why Michael Jackson's nose is of interest to people.

Midway through our conversation, a woman approached us. She looked right at me and said, "Excuse me, but I find your discussion inappropriate. I've been listening and it's just INAPPROPRIATE!" My friend and I looked at each other, puzzled. What was it that she objected to? Was it the mention of my book, the title of which contains the word "wiener"? Was it my explanation of term "Q-tip" to refer to skinny models? Or was it the fact that we discussed women's shoe-buying habits?

By this time, the woman had gone outside, but she was not through with me. She stuck her head back in the door. "Inappropriate!" she shouted. Again, out she went, only to come back in the next minute, mumbling something that I couldn't hear but that nearby diners seemed to find amusing.

So, I've been scolded. I can't know what upset her, and I'm unlikely to stop sharing my opinions with my friends for fear that someone will overhear me. But next time I'll be sure to use my indoor voice.