October 19, 2007

Stating the Obvious

Don't get me wrong. I love reading the newspaper. But sometimes, it seems there is no real news, and the headlines-meant to draw readers in-just make me yawn.

Take this one: "Voters Unhappy with Bush and Congress." This is not exactly a stop-the-presses type news flash. In recent months, the President's approval rating has gone downhill faster than a roller coaster at Great America. If I were writing the headline-and this will give you a clue about why they don't let me do that-I would say: "24% of Americans Still Approve of Bush." I mean, that's the real story. Millions of our fellow Americans are perfectly happy with the direction our country is going. Who are these people? Living in northern California, I'm reasonably sure I won't run into one of them, but if I did, I'd just have to slap 'em back into consciousness.

Speaking of being clueless, the same poll (The Reuters/Zogby Index) revealed that Congress' image is tanking even faster than the President's: only 11% of respondents rated the lawmakers' performance as good or excellent. Again, I wonder how they found this many people to give the thumbs-up to a legislative body that appears to have no backbone and no sense of direction.

Some political stories contain actual news. Take, for instance, this article: "Cheney and Obama Are Distant Cousins." This was a shocker, and I can only imagine what a bombshell it must have been to the cousins themselves. The relationship was revealed by none other than Mrs. Cheney, who discovered the shocking truth while researching a book which shall remained unpublicized by me. I suppose if you go back far enough, you might find that Hitler and Mother Teresa had a common ancestor, but this knowledge only raises more questions, like what do we do with this piece of information? Like the folks who are happy with our foreign policy, I prefer to remain blissfully unaware of reality in this case.

The business section sometimes falls prey to stating the obvious. A recent headline read, "Wal-Mart Cutting Prices to Win Holiday Sales." Well, knock me over with a feather. Imagine the retail genius who came up with this innovative strategy-putting stuff on sale for the holidays! This might even become a new trend. You heard it here first.

Any headline that contains the words "Britney" and "law" is totally predictable. Don't bother me with that nonsense, unless it's a twist like, "Britney admitted to Harvard Law School."

Here are some other headlines that would make me sit up and take notice:

* President Admits Iraq Duplicity, Resigns

* Wal-Mart Raises Prices, Will Pay Fair Wages to Employees

* Peace Breaks Out in Middle East

* Professional Athletes Speak Out: "We're Grossly Overpaid"

And, lastly, a headline that would sell a lot of newspapers:

* Chocolate Found to Cure Cancer, Obesity, and the Common Cold