September 26, 2007

Unintended Consequences

Don't listen to a thing I say. Really. My kids never paid any attention to my advice and neither should you.

This is not to say you shouldn't read my column twice a week and consider carefully the correctness of my position. Just don't take my little suggestions as commands.

Here's a case in point. A Mr. J.H of San Leandro put way too much faith in what I said about men in nail salons. My column of a few weeks ago recounted a couple of bad experiences I had while getting a pedicure. The male salon patrons I wrote about exhibited poor hygiene in one case, and boorish behavior in the other. I concluded rashly, as I am known to do, that men should stay out of nail salons and let us girls have some place to ourselves. After all, we let you into the delivery room, didn't we?

Anyway, J.H., an 82-year-old widower and proud veteran of two wars, took my rant as a directive and wrote to me complaining because he had to give up one of his few remaining pleasures--having someone care for his feet.

Mr. H, kindly accept my heartfelt thanks for your service to our country and PLEASE, take your feet, which you have assured me get a good washing right before a pedicure, and get back to that salon. I'll bet the nail techs miss you and are worried about you. Go back and don't listen to me ever again. This is an order, soldier.

Another reader who mistook me for someone serious is Z.B. of Livermore. After I complained about my little Corky making my life difficult by following me around the house, Z.B. wrote that if I didn't want her anymore, they would love to have a French Bulldog. I clarified that Corky is my precious child and I was just venting after having a bad day such as any busy mother might experience. Besides, I'm hardly about to give away an animal that goes for $90 per pound. (Kidding! I'm kidding! Don't write me!) Mr. O.P of Berkeley agreed with Z.B. that I was not sufficiently grateful for the role pets play in our lives. He said, "Your cat and dog will (if it came to it) gladly lay down their lives to protect you."

Well, O.P., Corky would sure try, but I don't know how effective a 20-pound dog would be against an intruder, and as for Mr. Bobo the Wonder Cat, he wouldn't even wake up unless the attacker rattled the treat jar.

Some readers write just to tell me they enjoy the column. R.P, who reads "Second Half' in the Daily Review, wrote, "You are a great writer, funny and so personable." This one I forwarded to my mother, who is more amazed than I am that anyone thinks I'm credible.

As a person whose address is published in half a dozen Bay Area papers twice a week, I receive letters from people who not only think I'm credible, they believe I have some sort of power and influence. They want me to uncover some conspiracy involving the CIA and the Pope, or get B.A.R.T. to be more efficient, or make their book a best-seller. Hey, if I could do that, my own (You May Already Be a Wiener!) would be sold out on Amazon.

Here's the bottom line. This column is for entertainment. Occasionally I write something useful such as how to get the musty odor out of cabinets. Sometimes I make people think. Sometimes what they think is that I'm an idiot, but that's OK with me. Please, keep reading and keep talking back. Just don't blindly follow my advice. I may be joking.