August 17, 2007

Ditch the ape look, guys

Ladies, we have reason to celebrate. Today, August 17, is National Men's Grooming Day. Sure, it's a bogus holiday made up by a company that makes grooming products, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't make merry. Today, you have a good excuse for reminding your man that there is such a thing as deodorant, and that a ponytail doesn't hide that fact that he's bald on top; it just makes it more obvious.

When I was young, grooming for young men was very basic. Comb the hair, slap on some English Leather, tuck in the shirttail and you were good to go.

Unfortunately, some men my age still think that's enough. In honor of Men's Grooming Day, I'd like to offer some tips for men of a certain age (yes, that's you, buddy).

1. If you're still wearing English Leather, consider wearing something more subtle, or, better yet, no cologne at all. Clean skin smells great.
   
   
2. If you don't have hair on top, embrace your baldness. A bad comb-over never fools anyone, not even the three Mrs. Trumps.
   
   
3. Speaking of Donald Trump, here's a tip he could use: If more than one person tells you that you look ridiculous, believe it.
   
   
4. There is nothing more unattractive than nose hair. Clip those strays.
   
   
5. I take it back. Ear hair is every bit as repulsive as nose hair. Have the stylist trim it every time you get a haircut.
   
   
6. The same goes for eyebrows. As men age, they tend to grow wild hairs that sprout during the night and by morning are halfway up the forehead. You don't want to be mistaken for Andy Rooney.
   
   
7. If your feet have spent the last 40 years in sweat socks, they are not fit for public view. Please do not wear sandals outside your home.
   
   
8. Nail clippers are your friend. They have a pointy thing that is handy for scraping the dirt out from under your nails.
   
   
9. If you have been wearing the same shirt for three days in a row, put it in the wash. Right now. If you've been wearing it for a week, put it in the trash. I'm serious.
   
   
10. Just say "no" to back hair. I can't emphasize this enough.

Ladies, if Tip #10 has struck a familiar chord, you may be interested in a product I just read about that would make a dandy gift for Men's Grooming Day. It's a back hair shaver called (are you ready?) The Mangroomer. Its long handle "easily reaches over shoulders" so that a man can shave himself in the privacy of his own home.

The marketing materials for this product list many advantages, including less sweat, a better chance for romance, and no more embarrassment about having "the ape look."

It is predicted that sales of men's grooming products in the U.S. will reach $5 billion this year. In honor of this special day, why not spend a few bucks? Buy your fella a Mangroomer, some nail clippers, or a soap-on-a-rope. Tell him it'll give him a better chance for romance.