June 20, 2007

Stupid Guy Things

In an amazing coincidence, Friday is both my 16th wedding anniversary and Stupid Guy Thing Day.

Now, my husband is called "Keeper" for a reason, one of which is that he refuses to find fault with me. So, in the interest of fairness, I must issue this disclaimer: none of the following Guy Things should be interpreted as belonging to my husband. (Heh, heh.)

It's a Stupid Guy Thing:

The Need for Speed
The male penchant for speeding (and documenting it) is not only done behind the wheel of a souped-up roadster. Sometimes it's on a tractor, as in, "Honey, I just beat my own lawn mowing record by two-tenths of a second!" Occasionally, it's an athletic feat, like running laps at the high school track faster than the week before. In all cases, the feat is documented and reported to the guy's significant other with inordinate pride. An exception: Guys, don't brag about being fast in the bedroom.

The Show of Strength
Guys love to appear strong. I've been known to hand over a ketchup bottle for a guy to open for me just because he gets such a kick out of it. Some guys are serious weightlifters and pump up with dumbbells. Then they go home from the gym and don't lift anything heavier than the remote control. Use those hard-earned muscles, gentlemen! Lift some laundry baskets, haul a big bag of potting soil, or carry in the groceries. We'll be happy to pretend that we couldn't do it ourselves.

The Tough Exterior
Pretending not to have emotions is the Stupidest of Stupid Guy Things. It's the cause of heart attacks, neuroses, and countless misunderstandings, yet a guy will obstinately sit through Old Yeller with dry eyes if his woman is with him. I suspect that when they're alone, they bawl at Hallmark commercials. At least, I hope so.

The Iron Stomach
Tough hides cover up guts that can process anything, especially if a wager is involved. More disgusting things have been consumed on playgrounds than have even been thought of on "Fear Factor." Even grown-up guys are proud of their ability to digest things like fried cockroaches, the contents of their own nostrils, and anything with jalapenos on it.

The Money Maker
Salary has nothing at all to do with manliness, yet guys persist in thinking that their proficiency as a provider is a measure of their worth as a person. In the old days, there was actually a saying that went, "No wife of mine is going to work outside the home." This little flashback to the barefoot-and-pregnant pre-feminist days is still a reality in some cultures. Even where it's just a story our grandmothers tell, some men believe that a substantial bank account makes them more attractive. Admittedly, this is true in the case of someone like Donald Trump, who, without his millions, would be just a vicious little weasel with bad hair.

Truth be told, women find these Stupid Guy Things endearing. We're touched that you're always striving to impress us. But once in a while, we wish you'd quit trying to prove yourself and just relax.