May 30, 2007

Not MY Children

It's been more than 15 years since my children acted like brats in public, but I'd like to issue a global apology for any distress their behavior and my failure to stop it might have caused innocent bystanders.

This belated apology is prompted by my observation of other people's children doing incredibly annoying things in public while their parents smile indulgently. I'd like to think my kids never caused anyone to cover their ears, wince, or make an appointment to get a vasectomy, but maybe I was as oblivious as the parents of the Mad Stomper.

Our dinner out at a favorite local rib joint was marred by a bored 3-year-old who had finished picking at his dinner and was amusing himself by stomping on the bandstand in the corner of the restaurant. He must have weighed no more than 35 pounds, and 20 of that was his right foot, which he repeatedly drove into the thin carpet covering the plywood bandstand. Every once in a while, his mother would call out a half-hearted "Stop that."

Keeper and I had to interrupt our conversation with every clomp from the corner, and finally we just hit the 'pause' button because the Parents from Another Planet were putting on their coats.

"We'll be able to hear each other soon," I mimed to Keeper. He nodded.

The family headed for the door, where the heavy-footed little one pitched a fit at being told it was time to go home. His mother acquiesced, saying he could "play" there a little longer. He was joined by his younger sister, who, mercifully, was wearing soft shoes. His parents stood there and gazed adoringly, like the kid had a God-given talent and was in training for the Clogging Olympics.

We sat there unbelieving, as the pint-sized percussionist practiced his art at the expense of our peace and quiet. I thought to myself, "I would never allow my children to disturb others like that."

Well, I feel that way now, but I'm sure there must have been times when I was just too tired to care, or I weighed the possibility of the kid having a tantrum and decided that that the screaming and flailing about would be even more annoying to onlookers.

It's a tough job, raising kids. But an important part of it is teaching them that their every whim doesn't need to be indulged, especially if it treads on the rights of other people. I wouldn't want to stifle Junior's freedom of expression, but let him stomp in his own room, especially if it's located above the room where his parents are trying to have a conversation. See how they like it.

Too many of us, children and adults like, are in our own little world when we're in public. The same night that our dinner was accompanied by unwanted commotion, we were stuck behind a driver doing all of 7 miles per hour on a downtown street. He was obviously looking for an address and when he thought he spied it, he stopped in the middle of the road. This happened repeatedly until I was ready to jump out of my car, run up to his window and ask him if he was aware that there was a line of 12 cars behind him. I thought better of it because there is such a thing as bad karma.

I didn't yell at the poky old man and I didn't express my displeasure at the deafening dinner accompaniment. So, listen. If I've ever driven too slowly or my children have bothered you, we're even.