February 14, 2007

Valentine's Gift-Giving Don'ts

As luck would have it, my first column for this week falls on Valentine's Day, thereby giving me an excuse to lecture my male readers on gift-giving etiquette.

If you've done your shopping and are reading the newspaper while your sweetheart is getting ready to accompany you to a nice, romantic restaurant for dinner, congratulations. Even if you didn't hit the nail on the head gift-wise, you get points for timeliness. You remembered that today is an important girly holiday and you bought her something. That puts you in the 85th percentile of the male population. Because even though ads and storefronts and commercials have had red hearts all over them ever since the Christmas stuff came down, there are many, many guys who don't know what today is. They are reading the paper because they've got nothing else to do -- the wife/girlfriend/significant other has locked them out of the bedroom.

There is plenty of shopping advice in the weeks preceding Valentines Day. Drugstores make a huge deal out of it. They sell little teddy bears holding hearts, big satin hearts holding candy, and chocolate candies holding a week's worth of sugar in every bite.

Please, and I cannot stress this strongly enough, please DO NOT ever buy a gift for an important romantic holiday at a drugstore. They don't gift wrap at the pharmacy. This should give you a hint. A romantic gift should scream "Nordstrom" or "Tiffany's" or at least "Macy's." It should never, ever give off a whiff of Walgreen's. By all means, buy a card there if you must.

When you're in a department store searching for that perfect gift, stay away from the ladies at the cosmetics counters. They will tell you that your wife/girlfriend/significant other will appreciate a bottle of perfume for that special day. Not true. The only time I appreciated a bottle of perfume was when it was my brand and I was almost out. This told me A) - that he knew what perfume I wore, and B) that he wanted to get me something I would like. Getting your sweetie a bottle of something other than what she chooses to smell like tells her A) You'd like her better if she smelled like someone else (she will suspect that someone is your old girlfriend) or B) you didn't have a clue what to get and you fell for a sales pitch from a cute sales girl with a spritzer.

A box of candy is an argument waiting to happen. First of all, you probably have no idea what kind of candy your sweetie likes. That's because she keeps it in her car or her closet and eats it on the sly. When you're around, she eats celery sticks, and these do not make a romantic gift, no matter how nicely they're wrapped.

Second, the traditional heart-shaped box full of chocolates is just too easy. It's obvious you've taken the painless way out, letting Russell Stover do all the work, including making the fancy packaging. Plus, they're sold in drugstores.

Flowers? A safer bet, but don't automatically go with red roses. Again, this shows a lack of imagination. It also shows that you don't know what her favorite flower is and just picked up something quick and easy. And, they're sold in drugstores.

One thing you should NEVER give as a gift is underwear. I know that Victoria's Secret does a big business this time of year, but unless the store has her exact sizes on file and you know for a fact that she LIKES wearing a red lace thong (and very few of us do, by the way), stay away from the underthings. Especially if you're in a drugstore.

So what's left? You don't have to buy diamonds, fellas. The best gifts are free. I suggest a gift certificate for one whole day of your time. Promise to do whatever she wants, without question, without complaining, and without taking a basketball break. Sure, she may use the gift certificate to have you clean the garage. Then again, she may use it to have you lick whipped cream out of her belly button. And, hey! They sell trash bags AND Cool Whip at the drugstore!