September 29, 2006

All Anna, All the Time

Men, raise your hand if you're the real father of Anna Nicole's baby. As of this writing, only two have stepped forward and claimed to have fathered the infant daughter of Anna Nicole Smith, the blond bombshell who is famous for being blond, buxom, and below average in intelligence. (Although, she very astutely married a decrepit geezer/millionaire just before he kicked off, so how dumb can she be?)

Now, she is in the news for giving birth to a daughter and losing her son the same day in a tragic and bizarre twist of fate. Whatever you think of her, she is suffering the same way any mother would under these horrible circumstances. My heart goes out to her.

In the midst of all this, people are cashing in on the tragedy as only Americans know how to do. A photographer was the first to claim fatherhood of the new baby. He sold his story to Entertainment Tonight even as the autopsy on Anna Nicole's son was taking place. ET ate up the paternity story, slicing up the interview into bite-size chunks for maximum commercial value. Now, Anna Nicole's lawyer, cleared as a suspect in the son's death, is claiming that HE is the baby girl's father and the future Mr. Anna Nicole. Unless he chooses to keep his name, which is Howard Stern. No, not THAT one, although the Shock Jock may also be in the running as the baby's father, given his predilection for blondes with manufactured mammaries. Howard Stern the Lawyer made his announcement on Larry King, a somewhat more dignified venue than Entertainment Tonight, but still a ratings-grabber.

We, and I include myself, have a fascination for stories like this. Maybe it's the inside look at the Beautiful People, who, it turns out, are just as scared and lonely as we are. Maybe it's the fact that real life is so dreadful that we look for any old escape, and celebrity gossip is not as dangerous, or as expensive, as heroin.

It's confession time. Forgive me, Reader, for I have sinned. I turned off a news story about the war in Iraq to watch The Insider, the younger, tackier sibling of Entertainment Tonight. One of the hosts is Pat O'Brien, the guy who got sloppy drunk and left dozens of foul-mouthed, harrassing messages on some woman's answering machine. He survived the scandal and is employed again. Anna Nicole and Howard Stern, Esquire, will find work again also, because being famous is an occupation in itself. Just ask Paris Hilton.

At least Anna is famous in her own right, whether for marrying old guys, being drunk and disorderly on camera, or for falling out of her dress. It doesn't really matter. What gets me are the wannabe-famous-by-proxies like the photographer/alleged impregnator. Next I supposed we'll see a book called "I Was Anna Nicole's Obstetrician" or one by the Bahamian medical examiner who got demoted after prematurely scheduling an inquest: "I Was Anna Nicole's Son's Coroner." Entertainment Tonight will pay money to interview the custodian who cleaned up the hospital room shared by mother, son and infant that fateful night: "Exclusive! Anna Nicole Allegedly Chomped on a Chicken Burrito While Son Lay Dying! Janitor Finds Incriminating Taco Bell Wrappers Under Hospital Bed!"

Enough. My head is full to bursting with more than I needed to know about Anna's children, lovers, and junk food habits.

I think I'll switch back to the war news from Baghdad. Besides, I want to see what Katie Couric is wearing tonight.

Previous columns can be found on Second Half: the Blog